I’ve been yelling these lyrics all week. Thank you Kelly Clarkson for giving me a motivational message to get me through this time of healing and repair. In case you haven’t heard her new song, you should totally ignore the song except of the chorus. Silly as it sounds, I’m not signing about being single again. I’m signing about getting through this time and being stronger coming out of it. Cheesy.
Its totes true you guys. I will be a runner again, one day. When will that be?! I know its been a week and this week has been a long one. I am coming unhinged. I’m getting cranky and whiny. Two words Zach does not like to describe me. Its true though, I mean I’ve been in a funk all week. The pain continues to get worse everyday and its really hard to deal with. Not even lying on Wednesday morning I was trying to get ready for work and my knee was killing me every time I moved, it got to where I was running late and trying to put my shoes on and I felt a sharp, severe stab of pain and lost it. Totally lost it all. I called my dad and just let the water works flow. I wasn’t crying because of the pain, I was crying out of frustration and pure anger. I’m losing something I love, something that describes who I am. The thought of not running again has come across my mind and I get so mad. I will not allow myself to quit forever.
This time of healing is 100% harder than last summer/fall. Its not just physical therapy at this point, its more of a mental game and actually believing I will be able to run again. But just imagine everything you do, and I mean everything brings severe pain to any part of your body. The pain, it still feels like a knife going through over and over again. Just imagine that pain crippling you to utter exhaustion and frustration to where looking at your running shoes you want to cry and throw them away. Thats my mental state right now. It sucks. There are not enough “oms” and “namastes” to help me now. This is so depressing, sorry guys.
But I did manage to drag myself to a new doctor today and got some good/better-ish news. I did not tear my tendon again (thank you Jesus) I actually strained my lateral gastrocnemius calf muscle. My calf muscle is extremely weak, which can be fixed with strength training (that I have to do) and cross-training (spin classes!). The news was good, the bad thing is its going to take a little longer to heal, which blows but I am actually preventing it again. Wahoo! Then I get to learn how to properly tape my leg for when I can run again, yay…kinda. I’ve never taped my legs, so I’m a little nervous about that.
So like I said, I keep replaying Kelly’s song, these simple lyrics are getting me through this time without running.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,
Stand a little taller,
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.
What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter,
Footsteps even lighter,
Doesn’t mean I’m over cause you’re gone.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
Pretty soon I’ll be saying this,
“You didn’t think I’d come back, I come back swinging”